Introduction

Several years before I began to write this book, I started writing about my own recovery from sexual addiction. I have no idea what motivated me to put my thoughts on paper. The only thing I can remember was the hope that somehow, someway my experience might be helpful to others. At that time, I lived alone. Each day after work, I came home and sat hour after hour, hunting and pecking on my computer keyboard, producing piles of incoherent, unintelligible mish-mash. Kind of like this last sentence. I never thought of it as personal, but it was. I never thought of my writing as important, but looking back, I can now see how very important it was to me. Previously, my only literary accomplishment was that I had completed tenth grade English in only three attempts.

After several months, I was asked by a friend to facilitate a sexual addiction recovery group for men at my church. I wasn’t thrilled with the idea, but there was no one else better equipped. (Very few people have excelled in obsessive lustfulness like I have.) Our group started small. The first meeting had a grand total of three men. Then there was 4, then 6, 10, 15, 20. You get the idea. The men came from all walks of life, each having the desire to change their lives.

Today, our group consists of a construction worker, a medical doctor, a marketing analyst, a computer programmer, a rocket scientist (yes, a rocket scientist), a software engineer, a professor, a doctor, a welding supervisor, an airline pilot, a real estate developer, a home builder, a musician, a retired football coach, a salesman, a teacher, a political consultant and a contractor. We are a mixed bag of nuts, but for the most part, a very merry band of characters.

As more and more men came to our group, I continued to write, but my writing took a new direction. With these men, I became more of a listener and observer, so I began writing more about what I heard from them than what I knew to write on my own. I facilitated less and less, finding more interest in what these men had to say than what my own experience provided. Sitting at the keyboard in the evenings, I was no longer simply writing; I was attempting to capture the thoughts and feelings of these men which helped me to capture my own thoughts and feelings.

Our group is convinced that most men will struggle with their sexual integrity (or lack thereof) at some time in their life. Many men have re-occurring problems with their sexual behavior and in increasing numbers, men are becoming addicted to sex. The impact on lives and marriages is staggering, crossing all social, ethnic and religious boundaries. The great tragedy is that most men, don’t know, won’t accept and can’t admit that they have a struggle, a problem or an addiction and even if they did recognize it, where would they go? Every man in our group knows the struggle, which when unaddressed turned into a problem, which when left unacknowledged progressed into addiction. Thankfully we have, with help, recognized that we were addicted. We freely admit our struggles, problems and addictions and having done so we have begun to recover from them.

Operation Integrity is a community of men who have come to terms with our powerlessness over the sexual desires and practices that are a problem for us. Desperate, we know we must place our lives in the hands of a loving, powerful God who can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. We know that our ineffective and destructive patterns must be healed before other parts of us will become integrated as a whole. Therefore, we understand that our sexual healing is the doorway to authentic integrity. We have come to the awareness that our ultimate goal is not to simply change behaviors, but to pursue God himself, who draws us into his grace and offers complete wholeness. Our secrets and wounds are exposed to His healing power. In the unity of this spiritual community, we offer our experience, strength and hope to those around us who seek to experience the design for life that God intended for them.

It is our belief that most men want to lead lives of sexual integrity. We’ve seen the carnage all around us, having caused more than a little of our own. We know what our decisions have cost us and others in terms of our relationships, our marriages, our children, time, money and energy. We’re convinced that there is a better way. In discovering sexual health, each of us is developing our own personal voice, confidently sharing a message of gracious confrontation with one another and an enthusiastic expectation of a healthy life. The following pages are the heard, observed and expressed experience of our shared group life, as well as my personal recovery. We speak together as one body, with one voice, calling you to be free as we are becoming free. Our individual solos have grown into a collective chorus. We are the sound of men, struggling mighty men, sharing our lives personally, deeply, in forthright honest unison. We don’t own the song of freedom we sing. The song of freedom belongs to God. He sang it to us and we sing it to you. We invite you to discover the freedom your heart desires, to find your voice and to sing along.

David Zailer